Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Are you ready for this?

Yesterday when I picked Judah up from the sitter I wrote out a check with a new amount on it & I stared at the check for a minute before I handed it to her. She looked at me and said: "So, are you ready for this?".  Today, when I dropped Judah off at Preschool his teacher said: "So, next week is the week...are you ready for it?". Later on this morning, when I had to call my dentist to reschedule my appointment today & I struggled with how and when to fit in something as simple as a dental cleaning into my schedule the secretary (that has known me for the last 9 years) said: "Oh, that's right, next week is the week...are you ready?".

To all of those people I gave the same answer: a resounding "NO". I don't think anyone was ready for me to say anything but "yes", because that's what you are supposed to say when someone asks you a quick question in passing. But, the truth is, I have this huge change coming up & everyone knows I'm the kind of person that is ALWAYS ready...so they expect me to say, "yep...I'm ready". But, this time it's not so much about getting ready, because honestly I am ready. This time, it really has more to do with letting go of my old vision for the future & recreating a new vision with a new plan. This time, I'm in uncharted waters & I don't know my way.  That's never a place where I feel very comfortable, but I'm learning that in life when you want a different outcome, you have to go places you've never been. So, next week I'm putting on a new "hat" called the "Full-time working mom" hat & folks...it's gonna be a new adventure alright!

For most of my adult life I've primarily been one thing, and one thing only. I was always a "stay at home mom", maybe even the only "stay at home mom" that some of my friends even knew. So, the fact that I am now changing roles is kinda rocking more than just MY world!  I was always the one who you knew would be at home, would have the time to do this or that for you, and the fact that I will not be available in the same ways I used to be is a huge adjustment for everyone (myself included).

The reasons I stayed at home for 10 years were multifaceted, but the main reason was because I had a strong desire to be with my kids and be their main caretaker. It's a role I cherished & one that I wish I would have treasured just a little more now that it appears those days are part of my sweet & precious past. I don't regret anything about staying home for 10+ years & I'm proud that I can say I did that & loved it! Those will always be years that I look back on & can honestly say that the sacrifices we made in order for me to stay at home were worth it.

The reasons why I am now changing roles are also multifaceted, but let's be honest....we are are in a recession, people!   In the wise words of Bob Dylan: "The times they are a changin' ". Yup, that's never been more true in the White house than it is right now, because everything that "used to be" around here pretty much is no longer.  But, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Changes happen, and times, they do change & we change with them. So, that's what's going on in my life. I'm learning to do more with less time, & "no" I don't have that one mastered just yet either!

If I've proven anything to myself in the last decade it would be that I am confident in my ability to cope very well when times change. Did I anticipate that this was the way, or even the exact time that I thought I would be making these life changes? Nope! Not at all! But, there just comes a time when you have to decide what changes need to happen in your life in order to move things forward.  For us, changing course seemed to be a logical next step to get things moving in a forward direction again. So, we picked up one proverbial foot & put it in front of the other. Heck, I don't even know what the next step is supposed to be after this one, but I'll figure that one out as I go too!

I will say that this "move forward" has not been without it's growing pains that's for sure! I feel like I've been in a bit of mourning this past week. There is a price to be paid for every choice we make & I knew that going into all of this, but I thought I was ready because I didn't think "that much" would change at first. Then, I realized that right off the bat Judah may not be able to go to his Tue/Thur preschool program any longer because finding someone who can pick him up from his babysitters house (who lives ONE street over from the Church/preschool) may not be as simple as I thought! Ugh! That's the first time I learned that when you are a full time working mom E-V-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G is more complicated. The very simplest of arrangements can become so complicated when you can't be there to do them. Preschool was a big deal to me & the fact that something so simple has become SO difficult was a tough one for me to swallow. But, as I said before...I'm a cope-er, so I'm sure I'll figure this one out too.

My hope is that the payoff for this sacrifice will be worth it.  We sacrificed a great deal so that I could stay at home for those 10 years & I know in my heart that was the right choice for us. I feel like making the choice to go back to work full time right now is also a good choice, but I wouldn't call it an "easy" one. Because, let's be honest, there is no easy answer when you are stuck between the two places I am at.

The long story short here is this: Am I ready for all these changes? No...but I'll get ready! I'll roll with the changes & I'll do what I do best...I'll cope. I've got a lot of learning to do & I know I'm going to make mistakes (both at work & at home), but I'll learn from those mistakes and move forward some more. Hopefully in another year or so I'll be able to say I've charted a small territory of these new waters & can find my way around a little bit. At least for now that's the plan...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...
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Sometimes I don't get dressed for the day until 5:00...pm, and on the weekend I let my kids eat cookies for breakfast. I drank coffee (and sometimes diet coke) when I was pregnant. I use under eye concealer to cover up my zits & I bake when I'm stressed. If you can deal with all that....then welcome to our family blog!